I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
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*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it