Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
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My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
My plans: 2020:
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.