@mrjohntofu

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

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@turtlekiosk

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

@AndrewNadeau0

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

@junejuly12

[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

@WilliamAder

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

@_little_old_me

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

@FredTaming

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

@RyanSaysWords

The Foo Fighters did a really good job, because I haven’t had to deal with any Foo in years.

@SnarkyMommy78

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.