I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

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I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”


You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.


Instead of catching your child every time they fall, teach them how to effectively execute a tuck and roll.

You’re welcome.


Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.


Sure he’s handsome, funny, smart, charming and successful, but can he fit 54 M&M’s in his mouth at once?

I didn’ fink fo


I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.


No matter how much you loved them if a family member or pet comes back from the dead don’t dilly dally kill them immediately


[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??


One guy wrote on his Facebook status: “Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber.”

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend: “Where did you go in Uber bro, party was in your house.”