I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
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Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
that’s really how it is
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent