@mrjohntofu

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

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@thenoahkinsey

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

@chinkydeliciae

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

@Twtercide

Instead of catching your child every time they fall, teach them how to effectively execute a tuck and roll.

You’re welcome.

@SardonicTart

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

@YeahDrewisOn

Sure he’s handsome, funny, smart, charming and successful, but can he fit 54 M&M’s in his mouth at once?

I didn’ fink fo

@Tmoney68

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

@Phook75

No matter how much you loved them if a family member or pet comes back from the dead don’t dilly dally kill them immediately

@Rollmaninoz

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??

@Mr_DrinksOnMe

One guy wrote on his Facebook status: “Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber.”

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend: “Where did you go in Uber bro, party was in your house.”