I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
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Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )