@sulkywhitegirl

I like how my autocorrect changes “hun” to “Hun,” like I’m playfully referring to my girlfriends as barbarous 4th-century European nomads.

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@KalvinMacleod

INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control

@gaynorlsimpson

How to stop an unwanted DM.

Hi, how are you?

Me: Well, my ex has me on a wanted list because I’m a psychotic cow, how are you?

@BlindChow

Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?

Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–

Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT

@pilau

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

@PleaseBeGneiss

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

@thenatewolf

Wife: how was the doctor?

Me: bad I’m dying

Wife: I know, how was the doctor?

@fro_vo

“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”

@Ms612

Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, “How could you do this to me” and then runs off crying?

@envydatropic

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.