@sulkywhitegirl

I like how my autocorrect changes “hun” to “Hun,” like I’m playfully referring to my girlfriends as barbarous 4th-century European nomads.

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@thetigersez

My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life

@VeronicaJArt

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

@AndyAsAdjective

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

@TuckerFly1

Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*

@PinkCamoTO

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

@ch000ch

if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw

@beefman138

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

@Bagyants

All police should quit, just to teach us a lesson. We’ll beg them to beat and gas us, but they’ll be like nope, you didn’t appreciate it

@JohnLyonTweets

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.