[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
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Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again