Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
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🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
SCARY COSTUME
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Me :
All Day At Night
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?