I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
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Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals