@fuzzlime

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

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@Fickle_Filly

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

@SortaBad

[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party

@Social_Mime

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

@ddsmidt

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

@BrettDruck

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

@heatherlou_

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

@Robert_Beau

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

@TheBoydP

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

@zoeklar

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”