I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

You Might Also Like


A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.


Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party


I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.


”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.


{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?


I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro


I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.


The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.


The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.


One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”