I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
You Might Also Like
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Matt Goss
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Geez man, take it easy.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.