[mustard company office]
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
You Might Also Like
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
My quarantine routine:
7 AM: (wake me up)
8 AM: wake me up inside
9 AM: (I can’t wake up)
3 PM: wake me up inside
4 PM: (SAAAAVE ME)
5 PM: CALL MY NAME AND SAAAAVE ME FROM THE DARK
6 PM: Pesto pasta, again
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ