@girl_a_whirl

I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???

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@ShortSleeveSuit

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

@ArfMeasures

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

@G00K0

My quarantine routine:

7 AM: (wake me up)

8 AM: wake me up inside

9 AM: (I can’t wake up)

3 PM: wake me up inside

4 PM: (SAAAAVE ME)

5 PM: CALL MY NAME AND SAAAAVE ME FROM THE DARK

6 PM: Pesto pasta, again

@Hobo_Splendido

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

@CornOnTheGoblin

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

@AnniemuMary

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

@Fickle_Filly

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

@pixelatedboat

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

@bobvulfov

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ