@NoahGarfinkel

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

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@Andee_Stewart

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

@marebytes

Brutally honest? I’m always honest … I guess the brutality would depend on your level of aversion to the truth

@JohnFugelsang

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

@mofrorock

“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*

– Spider tinder

@reallifemommy3

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

@bartandsoul

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

@CornOnTheGoblin

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

@kevinseccia

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

@inanimatecorpse

I put a note in my kids lunchbox daily telling them that if they work really hard at school then one day we may be able to afford a sandwich