Biden: I just farted by the door here he comes
Obama: LOL OMG MOVE
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
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Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
ME: I’m gonna tickle you!
CAPTAIN: Hahaha come on stop
ME: Tickle tickle!
CAPTAIN: Haha stop it, I gotta drive this huge ship
ME: Tickling you more!
CAPTAIN: Hahahaha hold on hold on lemme get us around this iceberg
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
whoa better pack an umbrella
Gf: I have 30min
Me: you thinking what im thinking?
Gf: oh yea *starts undressing
Me: *googles closest laser tag location
Been throwing away this piece of tape for the last 17 hours
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours