Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
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Brutally honest? I’m always honest … I guess the brutality would depend on your level of aversion to the truth
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
You sneezed 20 times in a row, I think your brain wants out
– Spider tinder
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I put a note in my kids lunchbox daily telling them that if they work really hard at school then one day we may be able to afford a sandwich