@NoahGarfinkel

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

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@daemonic3

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

@dumbbeezie

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

@iGreenMonk

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

@TheToddWilliams

[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?

@Home_Halfway

[1912]

ME: I’m gonna tickle you!

CAPTAIN: Hahaha come on stop

ME: Tickle tickle!

CAPTAIN: Haha stop it, I gotta drive this huge ship

ME: Tickling you more!

CAPTAIN: Hahahaha hold on hold on lemme get us around this iceberg

@stuckinaportal

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

@DaddyJew

[lunch break]

Gf: I have 30min

Me: you thinking what im thinking?

Gf: oh yea *starts undressing

Me: *googles closest laser tag location

@TomZohar

Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours