I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
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Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here