I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

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Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot


Brutally honest? I’m always honest … I guess the brutality would depend on your level of aversion to the truth


If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.


“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*

– Spider tinder


It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away


My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta


[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that


I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.


I put a note in my kids lunchbox daily telling them that if they work really hard at school then one day we may be able to afford a sandwich