I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
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if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.