I like how when you pull down on a paper towel dispenser you either get half a paper towel or half the roll.

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I wasn’t going to say anything but that’s not really my style.


My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap


Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target


Marvel’s latest movie franchise follows an aging Peter Parker as he swaps crimefighting for medical studies in Spiderman: WebMD


[giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples


If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.


“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”