Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
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I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.