The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I like it soft and warm. Uh huh. Yea girl, go ahead and throw that figgy pudding in the microwave for a bit.
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News: Ireland has now legalized ecstasy, meth, and mushrooms due to an unexpected legal loophole.
In other news: I have a plane to catch.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
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sorry this might take a while…
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Finally a use for spoilers…
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.