Today is awesome. I got pulled over by a cop on a bike. He even asked if I knew why he was “pulling me over”
You need a ride! Duh
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
You Might Also Like
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Joe: Hey Barack, why does Trump wanna ban preshredded cheese
Barack: Joe please
Joe: TO MAKE AMERICA GRATE AGAIN
Barack: I swear to God
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Nomads were like well there goes the neighborhood.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”