I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
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The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Same post same
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Britain be like
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse