I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
You Might Also Like
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.