I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

You Might Also Like


My profile: I am looking for a smart and kind man that is totally ok with the idea of me wanting a pet raccoon

Bumble: You have 0 messages today


A friend was telling me about quantum mechanics and I told her how I hate it when the safety seal on ketchup leaves that clear film behind.


The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.



“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”


My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.


[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.


for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.


Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?


ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops