i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
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ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?