I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

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My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.


……bless you
……bless you
……bless you


Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.


God (inventing humans): hey someone throw a rock at the lizards i have a worse idea


If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.


The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.


How about a superhero whose power is TAKING CARE OF HIS KIDS *high-fives Maury audience while Batman storms off*


i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking