I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
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Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*