I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
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How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.