I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

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If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity


Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.


Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.


Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up


“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.


ME (tousling his hair): You got a girlfriend?
8 YEAR-OLD: Yeah
ME (grabbing him by the collar): How. How did you do it


I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.