@tiemespankme

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

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@abbycohenwl

If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity

@OneFunnyMummy

Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.

@Psycholane

Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.

@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

@TheAlexNevil

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

@InternetHippo

ME (tousling his hair): You got a girlfriend?
8 YEAR-OLD: Yeah
ME (grabbing him by the collar): How. How did you do it

@dreamthievin

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.