If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
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I wish this was real life…
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
ME (tousling his hair): You got a girlfriend?
8 YEAR-OLD: Yeah
ME (grabbing him by the collar): How. How did you do it
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.