I like long walks away from everyone
You Might Also Like
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd