I like long walks away from everyone
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Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
stop
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
same bro
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?