I like long walks on the beach and lying about being married.

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A social gathering without food is called a “Don’t.”


Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.


Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.


I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.


Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.


[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*


Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.


I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.