she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
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‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Lol
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.