Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
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Smile Twitter, Smile.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.