I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
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[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Cinematography is my passion
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing