I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
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No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.