Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
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*goes on job interview*
-You come very highly recommended.
-Why thank you, I always try to be as stoned as possible before I come to work.
Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.
I’m still not convinced Mitt Romney was born.
I don’t delete annoying people out of my phone. I give them new names so I know not to answer.
“Always needs a favor” is calling, decline.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
When a lady leaves an article of clothing at my place, I do the gentlemanly thing and put it on and parade around the house looking pretty.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.