@MunkMania

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

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@adamzopf

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

@Sir_Strange

*goes on job interview*

-You come very highly recommended.
-Why thank you, I always try to be as stoned as possible before I come to work.

@Terdoh

Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.

@lilgapeach30

I don’t delete annoying people out of my phone. I give them new names so I know not to answer.

“Always needs a favor” is calling, decline.

@Paxochka

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

@beefman138

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

@FrankCurtisB

When a lady leaves an article of clothing at my place, I do the gentlemanly thing and put it on and parade around the house looking pretty.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?

Me: how about a dog

Clown: one dog coming up

Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!

Clown: *stops twisting*

Me: ok a sword I guess