I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
You Might Also Like
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
any last words?
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
How does one answer this?
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.