@unmehlievable

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

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@dafloydsta

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

@AsgardianRose

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

@hansabumsadaisy

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

@Ygrene

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

@MarkusJ

finally, the ants are going to rise up and claim their rightful place as masters of this wretched planet

@Turbo_Jimmy

*Wife thumps door*

“I KNOW UR IN THERE! U BLEW OUR SAVINGS ON A SHITTY INVENTION, DIDN’T U?!”

NO! *furiously flushes 1000s of dog-tampons*

@unmehlievable

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

@ShoutingGoddess

There is a ‘you can kill them if you catch them within a minute’ rule on people who wake you up. EVERYONE knows that.

*sharpening knife*

@youknow_hoo

Just hired 2 private detectives to follow each other. I’ll keep you guys posted.

@KylePlantEmoji

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while

Obama:

Me: like we all know who he is, but

Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™

Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for