I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
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If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Worth the read.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me