I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

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Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.


met the cutest girl today. her eyes were gentle, like the light from a phone screen and her smile glowed, like the light from a phone screen


CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that


[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die


A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??


My boyfriend recently called me his woman
And now we’re living in the jungle, wearing deer skin and hunting for food


I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine


Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere


Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural


I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.