You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
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*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Having bad dreams is the best way to prove you can’t even do being unconscious right.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I just found a halloween candy on my lawn and ate it.
So I guess I AM able to live off the land if I ever needed to.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
I was at the supermarket when I almost dropped my cat food. Luckily a beautiful woman snatched it out of the air.
She really caught my Fancy.