@longwall26

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

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@TitansHomer

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

@Ideal_Victoria

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

@basit_saeed

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

@WilliamAder

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

@Midgetspar

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

@ericsshadow

[on a business trip to South Carolina]

Nice to meet you. I’m from Philadelphia.

“Welcome to the United States.”

@LeonEarlgrey

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.

@PinkCamoTO

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.

@PlainTravis

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.