‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
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Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1