I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
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i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?