I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
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Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.