I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
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I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
My new favorite headline
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻