I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
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I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Straight people are cancelled
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
This is not me but this is me
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”