I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
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listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead