I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
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I identify as an antique shop.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”