I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
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Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants