I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
You Might Also Like
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
What is going on? 😅
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”