@sammyrhodes

I like my Facebook messages like my Fast & Furious movies: unseen.

I like my Facebook messages like my Fast & Furious movies: unseen.

- @sammyrhodes

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@hardlyrelevant

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

@Jake_Vig

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

@SJSchauer

One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday

@dlockw21

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

@3sunzzz

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

@Tups13

Why are they called library fines and not hush money?

@sbellelauren

i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time