Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
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*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.