I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.

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I’m in charge of eight kids tonight. No big deal though I can be really responsib–

I’m in charge of seven kids tonight. No big deal though


I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.


I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”


My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.


My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”


Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.


if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”


doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”


When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.