@cogentanalysis

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

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@ceejoyner

A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.

@TheIronSherk

The best part of a handshake is the knuckles. I dunno why, but the blender just brings out their richness and flavour

@Holy_Mowgli

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
?

@momTruthBomb

Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.

@KeetPotato

[studying beached whale]
its a new species bill think of a name
ok um
*surfer walks by*
yo killer whale dude
*biologists look at each other*

@CoolCamel69

*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.

@Douchekevin

When I see babies who breastfeed crying I know it’s because they don’t have Oreos to go with the milk.

@pixelatedboat

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

@yoyoha

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!