I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

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A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.


The best part of a handshake is the knuckles. I dunno why, but the blender just brings out their richness and flavour


boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N


Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.


[studying beached whale]
its a new species bill think of a name
ok um
*surfer walks by*
yo killer whale dude
*biologists look at each other*


*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.


When I see babies who breastfeed crying I know it’s because they don’t have Oreos to go with the milk.


The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash


I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!