I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
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i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.