I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
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“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Meow
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!