I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
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i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Good news
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Wait a second…
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized