@katy_baybay

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

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@WilliamRodgers

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

@Cyd10e

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

@Crunch11b

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

@ramblinma

Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”

Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”

@maisonwithapen

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

@OneLastStranger

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

@TheAlexNevil

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

@TheMichaelRock

Wife: Where are the kids?

Me *turns off router*

[from down the hallway]

HEYYYYYYY!!!!

Me: They’re in their rooms.

@Megatronic13

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

@PetrickSara

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.