Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
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Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
sounds kinky. i’m in.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.