@travisauruss

I like my pizza like I like my pizza: pizza

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@BAKKOOONN

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

@Cpin42

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

@pinupteacher

3 men asked me out while I was shoveling out my car.

Lesson learned: showering and makeup are optional as long you’re grunting.

@Darlainky

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

@trevso_electric

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

@DurtMcHurtt

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

@mariah_hartjes

Me training a new person at my job:
“So you’re not really suppose to do this but this is what I do”

@danwlin

12:00am – Government shuts down

12:01am – Saying “Merry Christmas” is illegal again

12:02am – All student loan balances go to zero

12:03am – It is now legal to marry marijuana

12:04am – Tide Pods become sentient

@PleaseBeGneiss

[seafood restaurant]

CHEF: where are my shellfish?!

ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you

@MatCro

ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant