I like my pizza like I like my pizza: pizza

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all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage


KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog


3 men asked me out while I was shoveling out my car.

Lesson learned: showering and makeup are optional as long you’re grunting.


My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.


The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.


*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever


Me training a new person at my job:
“So you’re not really suppose to do this but this is what I do”


12:00am – Government shuts down

12:01am – Saying “Merry Christmas” is illegal again

12:02am – All student loan balances go to zero

12:03am – It is now legal to marry marijuana

12:04am – Tide Pods become sentient


[seafood restaurant]

CHEF: where are my shellfish?!

ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you


ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant