I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
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The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.