I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
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Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
yeah no that’s fair
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?