I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
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Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Good news
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”